Free yet unappreciative...

Have you ever considered what life would be like if you grew up in a country with either very limited or no civil liberties?  I find it interesting that no matter how free we are as a people in the US, we are, unfortunately, very greedy and unappreciative.  With the understanding that we have come very far, and granted we have so far to go, it's unfortunate that we judge people who are not like us.  We proclaim that we are suffering, when it is our own fault for not managing our perception, and for not educating ourselves.  We stomp on flags.  We are proclaim to be offended by everything but don't ever consider that we offend.  We fight for equality but don't treat each other equally or even how we would want to be treated.

Even with every civil liberty granted in the United States of America we focus on who has the largest butt, best weave, who's wining the most cases (just or unjust), nicest car, makes the most money, partying with and idolizing the famous...We worry more about every one else and less about managing ourselves, our children and our future.  I honestly feel bad for the future of this country.  We neglect the poor, we step on the weak, we judge the uneducated.

I like to think I use social media for the purpose for which I believe it was intended.  You can assume aspects of my life, which you are unaware of, and draw conclusions based on what you assumed, however the purpose is to challenge you to to change your perspective and challenge yourself to love more.  

The Loss

I am one of the most fearless people I know.  Most often extremely confident, strong and unemotional.  My ability to control my emotions has yielded to my success I believe.  I set goals and I achieve them.  My focus never wavered.  But every now and then life throws you a curve ball.  And even the most proactive person (like myself) is forced to be reactive.  I despise being reactive but I had no plan, and the curve ball I was hit with was life.  I mean actual life, growing inside of me.  For a moment time and space stood still.  While these things most often are never planned, in my case no exception, we decided to be parents.  From that moment I became a mother and my love for my child was unfamiliar but good.

Most often women while pregnant experience exclusion.  Excluded for hanging out, because you can't drink or partying because your too tired and/or have a moral issue with being out while with child.  While pregnant you become one with your body and your child.  It is literally just the two of you because unless you have been pregnant, you can't fathom the extent of the love shared between a mother and child.  And you also can't understand the exclusion until your sitting in it.  Nonetheless we prevail, and move forward as exclusion becomes a memory.  A mother focuses on her child, the life growing inside her womb, and what she needs to do to protect that child and keep him/her safe at all costs.

Everyday I think "if only I could give anything to get my son back".  I was one of those first time mothers who is very in tune with my body, and at that time all things I had experienced, as far as I was aware, was extremely normal; no issues and no complications.  But the one day I experienced something out of the ordinary, I soon sensed something was wrong.  I went in to labor too early and soon thereafter, my child was be born, into this world all too soon.

A loss, like this, was so foreign to me.  How was I to know how to feel and how to react to something like this.  For a typically unemotional person this was a bit too much, to say the least.  This is especially since I literally gave birth (naturally, without any medicine might I add) and the pain I endured was nothing compared to the joy I felt holding my baby in my arms.  A moment with King I will never get back.  I miss him every single day.  This love is extraordinary.  And now all of my memories rest in my head and in a box...jam packed with love, joy and pain of losing him.

Not sure how to move forward after this loss, but I redirect my focus on what's in front of me, not what was.  I think about him every day.  I see his picture every day, and although every day gets easier that day, 8-1-15, I was left broken.  And that piece ripped from my heart will forever remain unamended from this loss.