#iCantbreathe

So I typically refrain from posting literary reactions to certain situations until I am properly informed.  While I appreciate the immediate emotional reaction of the country to recent current events, as an African American women, who may one day be a mother of an African American male, it frightens me to know that some of us are only down for the cause for now...And the rest of us will never be down for the cause unless it hits us right in the face.  So what do you do?  And that is the question that has been baffling me for days.  Solution unknown...

I have great pain in my heart and tears pour from my spirit for the individuals who have lost and will continue to lose loved ones to senseless acts and abuse of power.  The pain of loss in the families of Eric Garner, Mike Brown, Trayvon Martin and a host of others not televised is something they will have to endure for a lifetime.  And for them, and potentially for me #icantbreathe.  I ask God to order my steps and give me insight to how I should assist in any way with developing a solution for a remedy for the misconception and misunderstanding of the message, and while it is true there is no peace where there is injustice, the flaws of the legal system are at the fault of the nation for not taking the freedom to vote and educate ourselves seriously.  We are the change that we seek, but we have to be about the change more than just in death situations.  We have to want to build the foundation for justice in our individual goals and dreams.  Too often we get a glimpse of one side of what life is like in the eyes of the celebrities we deem "iconic" and exhaust ourselves modeling our efforts on trying to be at the top and look down.  Inferiority is a state we impose on ourselves.  Inferiority is a state that we have control of eliminating.

I can't breathe
For the lives loss to injustice
For the peril sustained

No peace 

Yet we seek

Uniformity

Protest

When progress 

Is held in the actions of us

The fight for communal growth

Prosperity
We are the key 

We 

Us

You

Me 

And until we understand 

Our actions effect everyone

Or someone 

At given points in time 

We won't 

Get the message 

So for you 

For them 

And for me 

I can't breathe 

Until consciousness dwells

In the hearts and minds 

Of the individuals injustice finds 

And the goal 

Is universal 

People 

Who recognize the power 

To change

Encourages 

Justice

For us 

One day

What happened to the Innocent?... TRUTH SPEAK SERIES

I fear that children are being robbed of their innocence everyday, so I seek to explore explanations that could explain the why and maybe encourage change.

Everyday our children are playing reckless video games, flipping through channels and catching glimpses of or watching light pornography (on commercials and television shows) and/or overhearing adult conversations; yet, we expect that they are "unaware" or "don't know" anything!  Yet, we don't realize that we are implanting questions for children to seek answers to.  So children Goggle searches encompass looking for answers to things that we have shown them, but that we dare not explain because we feel like they are "unaware" or "it isn't time" for them to know.   So the question then becomes why are we so unaware of the fact that we are robbing them of their innocence by assuming we can show them things and not explain?

Is it that we are so disconnected, allowing our children to be raised by television or the internet, that we don't realize that keeping them innocent means moderating what they absorb.  Being aware of what we put in their faces.  Being mindful and open to moderating the answers to the questions in their minds.  Not occupying them with trash so that we can get some "free time"!  Unfortunately we assume that when we give children an iPad, laptop or iPhone that they will not explore it.  These devices come with parental controls for a reason.  We have to stop assuming our children won't find the answers we won't give them.

When something new is brought to our attention most often we seek to gain greater understanding.   As parents, we can not assume that our children will remain innocent even when being presented with  new questions and tools to help research those questions.  Parents seem to be less involved, or unconcerned, meaning children turn to the internet and television for answers.  When they see or hear the word kiss, the children of this generation will naturally "Google" it to figure out what it is.  Just think of how many questions our children encounter each day, with consideration to the total number of hours children, nieces, nephews or grandchildren watch television or surf the web.  Consider the notion that if your not answering those questions, who is?

Times have truly changed.  I remember as a child I spent my time playing games outside, swimming, roller skating, playing tennis or watching movies (approved and purchased by my parents).  I got electronics at the age of 11 or 12 but before that, I was more active than not.  I truly had no questions regarding sex until I was exposed to it.  I had no questions regarding sexuality because I was never confronted with it.  Now I was also an explorer and an inquisitive child.  But most of the time I spent taking things apart, trying to figure out what's inside, or how it works. Surprising that I wasn't an Engineer because that is what intrigued me most.  But I also didn't have the world wide web readily available at that time.  And I'm certain most of these children wouldn't know how to find their way around a library if you held their hand.  Or do any type of "real research" that doesn't involve a computer.

When we know all of this, the question becomes why are we ignoring it.  Why are we allowing ourselves to operate under the notion that we are NOT to blame for the lack of innocence in our children?  We can't place blame on one individual, as it has to be a collective change.  Even though my parents tried hard to preserve my innocence there were certain things I was exposed to, too early that were imposed on me.  As a child I mimicked what I was told or shown; and unfortunately that is a part of my past that I can not erase.  But I have made a decision to accept my circumstances and try to break the chains of miseducation and individuals exposing children to things too soon.

Euphony

Probably hard for me to put it in words....

Euphony
What I hear in absolute silence
Innocent laughs
Free smiles
Harmony
The wind blowing through the trees
Utopia

Hood Love... TRUTH SPEAK SERIES

A little short story to help illustrate the idea behind this post's message.

He stood out on the corner from 4 pm until 6 am everyday.  He attended to his block.  He made sure no one interrupted his business.  He was the man for 14 hours.  The hood feared him for 14 hours.  His feens worshipped him for 14 hours.  His competitors hated him for 14 hours.  He stood on guard for 14 hours.  Minding his business but watching his back, alone.  Had more than he needed, but greed fed his determination.  So day in and day out, he found what he thought was love in a hopeless place.  He found levels to life in a new space.  He lost himself a little bit every day.  Because he didn't know what he was searching for in the first place... 

by: AudriWrites

*****

Hood love is what it implies, love obtained from the hood.  Love itself is such a powerful emotion that it builds bonds that can withstand a lifetime.  Bonds like no other.  When you grow up disadvantaged or lacking love, you tend to flock to whatever makes you feel like it loves you in return.  Even when you don't even know what "love" is.  Without knowledge of what "love is" it is easily misinterpreted and misappropriated.

Men, women and children who live and die for or in the streets of his/her hood, do so because that is the only place they ever felt what they perceived to be love.  But what type of love is it that they think they've gained?  When your naive you think that your "brothers" and "sisters" who understand what you lack, know how to love you.  How could they possibly know how to love you, when they have never been loved and/or don't understand what love is?  One must be able to understand it, in order to recognize it.  If you truly understood what love was, you would know that "hood love" is selfish love.  Hood love looks out for your best interest, only when your best interest coincides with it's own.    So who is really looking out for you?

Love, I have defined several times, but, in short it is an unconditional gesture of faith, adoration, honesty and humility that brings peace.  Anything that requires you to be unsettled (continuously on guard), unsafe or idolized possesses no love.  Love doesn't allow you to play on the weak for personal gain.  If you loved your hood, you wouldn't contribute to its demise.  If you loved your hood you would not place the crack, in the mouths of the people who you "love" or who "love" you.  You wouldn't stifle your community.  If you knew what love was you would not allow yourself to turn the other cheek or to be so gullible.  So blinded by the what's right in front of you.  You wouldn't ignore your moral compass and you would do "right" and seek to understand love.

So, now that you understand that "hood love" is a term that is conveniently used to describe individuals who have lost their way.  Individuals who do not claim ownership of their contribution in the demise of their people.  And individuals who seek personal gain at all costs.   You know now that the hood never loved you.  That is an irrational thought implanted by more of those who misunderstand, misinterpret and misappropriate love.   So, I encourage you to be the change.  Stand for the community.  Learn to love the way love was meant to be, unselfishly.

History Pt. 2 Racism & the "Right Now"

I want to make sure I acknowledge those who take activism seriously.  I always appreciate passionate individuals who live fighting for what they believe the world should be.  I often wonder because most activist focus on things they want to change, if they get caught up in all that is wrong and have a hard time acknowledging how far we have come?  I don't believe acknowledging progress takes away from the cause, but I think acknowledging progress allows you to be able to take pride in the impact of your work.  I see stories every day of people doing great things for other people (regardless of race), but sometimes we get caught in generalizing behavior that it forces us to look at the world in the wrong way.

So ask yourself the following question: Is every "white" person in the US racist?

For me it is all about perception.  We are individuals.  PERIOD.  We generalize behavior but we can not say with extreme certainty that everyone of a certain race is racist.   My ancestors paved the way for forward thinking, acceptance and love in spite of transgression and discrimination and  showed unbreakable strength, courage and determination.  White ancestors proved to be an example of what NOT to believe or how not to treat others in the name of God.   Essentially lessons of what NOT to do.  While my ancestors were an example of who to be in spite of oppression.  I walk proud knowing how far we have come.  I am sure some of my "white" peers do the same.  Those who have no motivation to hate or oppress because of the simple fact that it is morally wrong.  I walk around assuming everyone is good, until they prove otherwise.  Call me naive all day, but I don't believe in assuming the worst of people until they do something to make believe otherwise or discernment kicks in.  I do believe that some people get so focused on their goal and the passion of fighting for injustice, that its quite often all they see.  And unfortunately negative views are often misconstrued.

There have been several incidents in the news publicized to get us focused on the abuse of power of police officers.  And I am one who believes there are definitely issues with officers abuse of power, my concern, however, is that officers' abuse of power has been going on for years, yet we are seeking justice for it now...  What happened to all the other individuals who died at the hands of injustice that were not publicized for us?  What happened to all of those who died at the hands of unjust law/officers right in front of us?  We are active now though...  We are pro CHANGE now, but what's the motivation?  Is it really that we have had enough?  If that is the case shouldn't we have had enough of killing one another?

CHANGE and FIGHT should have started from the beginning.  No one ever deserves to die unjustly.  Had we been actively watching these stories in the media, gathering data by tracking the statistics and taking action by advocating for all families involved and/or using each situations as a foundation of change (one state at a time), we would be more optimistic.  The future wouldn't seem so dim.

While I advocate for the families of those individuals we have loss due to this type of violence and I support the movement of "all lives" matter (which encompasses "black lives"), I can not understand why all of a sudden the news decision to feature repeatedly feature these stories acts as a motivator.  We should have already been motivated to take action/take a stand on this issue.  While it can be argued that the media may have had it's own agenda, I would like to think they were trying to get an organic view of the true frustration of the families and people impacted by injustice.

So when all is said and done and (thinking forward) when action is taken to revamp the assessment of officers and deputies of the law, what next issue will we be presented?  What other "right now" cause will gain our interest?  Will racism still be as prominent?  Nothing is certain, but I do believe that if we gave self-awareness and accountability the same consideration, attention and action as we do these "right now" causes, the world just may be a better place.

The Miseducation of America

Million dollar question:  Why is it that most schools are ranking students abilities by assessment tests that are composed with one particular ideal student (for a particular grade) in mind, when children in schools learn on different levels?  I find it incredibly odd that the same schools that I once learned in, are now not so focused on the education of its students, but more so the student's ability to test.

I remember when I was a student (and this was as early as Kindergarten for me) that I was identified as a "Gifted and Talented" student (not sure what they are calling it now a days).  Because teachers were able to identify me as a student, who was quite frankly learning at a faster level than most students, they were similarly able to identify students learning a level below average.  At that time teachers had children learning at three different levels.  I remember as a child that I had taken two tests, one the same as the test all students took, and another to identify the scholastic aptitude of students learning at a higher level.  It seemed fair in my opinion.  Although I did meet and exceed the expectations of learning, I did not feel that my education was stifled nor was that of any of my classmates.  I say that because teachers then managed to teach students on varying levels and help them achieve or exceed the scholastic goal of the school they attended.

Fast forward to present day...I believe (and based on first hand testimonies from educators I know) that schools are currently teaching students a test and it has no true educational value.  I believe this to be true because one of the first things I learned in my Masters of Psychology program is that there is a great difference between memorization and learning.  Learning is the ability to take information and regurgitate it in a way that is applicable to his/her own life, or make it relatable; that which signifies understanding.  Memorizing is simply that, relying on the function of one's memory to recall information...not actually learning the information.  Unfortunately we are forcing our children to memorize instead of learn.

Something else to note is the lack of parent involvement in his/her child's education, and the teachers lack of passion for teaching.  There are several reasons I could provide that would explain the lack of moral amongst teachers, but quite frankly not too much I can say regarding lack of parent involvement in his/her child's educational success.   The more you see things like this happening, the more you wish we stopped arguing about women's right to choose (regarding abortion).  Totally different subject for another time, but I say that to get you to think about how important it is for a parent to desire and love his/her child.  And most of our children in schools lack that love.  Our students are mistreated, not loved and miseducated.  And the more I live, the more I see their education is not being valued.

There once was a point at which educaction was your resume, now I understand why employers are seeking more "hands on experience" to signify learning.  The amount of technology consumed by the current generation far outweighs the number of library cards or physical research encountered at any level prior to a collegiate level.  Middle & high school instructors are allowing students to research on computers before teaching them to research in a library, like it once was.  The library is now a "backup" or a go to for those students who do not have the capacity to access the internet.

Unfortunately I could be on this soap box for months, but I will leave you with this...the perception of education has ultimately been reduced.   Consider where education stood and what education has evolved to...Until it is valued in the eyes of the STATE, we will remain, and the future of our children's education will ultimately be in our hands.

#MotiVatioNWeDnesdaY

(Originally posted 7/25/12 on Poetically Speaking)

So I wanted give some motivation today.  My motivation comes in the form of rational thinking and tough love.  So I have a few questions...

When you woke up this morning how did you feel?

What did you expect from your day?

What is the situation you need motivation out of?

What do you need motivation to do?

Why are you not motivated?

If you have answered one or more of these questions, I would like to suggest that you change your outlook.  Don't look for motivation, instead focus on the need.  Not sure what I mean...well take these examples.  Think about how you feel versus how you need to feel.  What you expect versus what you need to expect.  Where you are versus where you need to be, etc.  Sometimes we allow ourselves to get caught up in the lack of motivation versus what we need.  You will find that focusing on the need will channel your motivation.  It will eliminate the questions.  Some people think of what they need to do and think they need motivation when they need to simply understand the NEED for what they are doing.  That need serves as the purpose/reason.  The need serves as the motivating factor.

Motivation by definition is the act or an instance of motivating,  or providing with a reason to act in a certain way  (2) the state or condition of being motivated   (3) something that motivates;  inducement; incentive (dictionary.com).  

With that being said we should stop allowing people and things to motivate things that we may not need.  Only you know what you need.  You know where you want to be and what your expectations are.   Stop being lazy and codependent and think about you needs.  I don't understand how so many people want to put off their current state on someone else.  Never taking the fault for why they are in the positions their in.  It is understandable that we do not have control over all circumstances, but we do have the capability to make choices.  Our choices contribute to the circumstances as well.  So instead of sulking or being lazy trying to place blame, take responsibility for your choices.  If you aren't where you want to be you need to make new decisions.  What do you need to do to get to where you want to be?  Allow that to be your motivation.  Let me know what happens!  

One Love,

Audreyanna

Cut Off (Revisited 11/11/15)

(Originally Posted 4/6/15 on Poetically Speaking)

Sometimes we have to be careful of what we ask for.  In life, respect is a concept so often misused/misunderstood.  You should not demand respect from individuals you show no respect to.  This negatively impacts the natural order of things.  Respect is given and received.  Notice that "to give" comes before receiving.  I try very hard to show respect in spite of adversity.  No matter how stubborn, childish and immature someone was.  The desire to continue  to show respect to those who may not understand that quality, was fueled by love, nothing more or less.  Love is patient and kind, all those I exhibit, especially when it was not easy for me to do so.   Now, I have found a solution for those individuals who take my love and respect for granted.  I have given enough without being heard and respected.  My solution: Edit your life!   Cut those people who mean you no good off.  That doesn't mean be angry, sad or feel any type of pain from the loss, it just means you are wise enough to know what you deserve.  Be wise enough to make the decision to eliminate the factor that will do you harm.

As children one of the things we wanted most was to be an adult.  We craved the responsibility and the freedom, but we did not know the extent of the responsibility one receives with that freedom.  Now as an adult we see that sometimes it is too much to manage.  Too many choices and not enough right answers.  How do we ensure that we are making the right decisions? We have no affirmation most of the time.  We base what we know to be right and wrong on cultural standards and religious precedents.  We do what we feel is right.  Often times leaning on the notion "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".  But are you really?  Are you treating people with respect and doing all those things that you would want someone to do to you?  That is the question of which adults responses are most often contradictory.

What is certain is that in this life I want to make sure to experience and acquire every ounce of love, happiness and valuable lessons I can.  With that comes dealing with people who lack understanding of your purpose.  You come into contact with people whose ideals do not align with your goals and we have to make decisions to separate ourselves from those people.  Love from a distance.  Cut them off if you will.  But not with any ill intention or negative emotion.  I find that I try my best to establish an emotional balance before I take such measures.  What I have recently discovered is that no matter how good or positive your intentions are, if the other person is not willing to see "the good" it will not be seen.  What I am trying to figure out now is how to deal with that reality...

Beauty Overrated...

"I think beauty's overrated.  Cause that's something anyone can be. Attraction, now thats something different..." - R Glasper Project

I heard this phrase in the song and immediately it spoke to me.  I got it.  I understood the difference between beauty and attraction.  I knew what attraction felt like.  I know its hard to articulate differences between things that you experienced emotionally, that you know to be all to real to you.  Your truly at a loss of words.  I am in that space here.  I want to share with you what this means and how it feels, but there currently is no best way for me to get you to comprehend the difference if you had not experienced it already.  But, I will try my best.

I've been fortunate to be both beautiful and attractive to a few men, and I promise you there is a difference between superficial and real love.  Beauty and attraction symbolize that to me.  Beauty is on the surface, but attraction to another individual is based off organic chemistry that goes past a pretty/handsome face.  You can't manufacture that...its natural.

When we focus more on what people look like, we neglect our ability to become more attractive.  We don't allow ourselves to open up, and we remain stuck in the space that is not of equal distance between the mind and the heart.  An equal space between the mind and heart suggest that we are capable of making decisions with equitable amounts of emotional and rational consideration.  If you are stuck totally in your mind in a relationship, thinking only of what he/she looks like, what kind of car he/she drives, what he/she will become, etc., we don't allow ourselves the ability to grow with one another.  We don't allow ourselves to become attractive to one another.  We keep our minds focused so much on the superficial, that we neglect the ability to establish any true connection.  We lose our ability to be rational.  We are "stuck on stupid" as the colloquialism expresses.  Similarly if we are stuck in the heart, we are too emotional and make decisions based solely on how something feels.  This is considered irrational as well.

For me personally, in essence, when someone generally appreciates you, and looks to spend any ounce of free time exploring every part of you, in order to learn more about you, THATS ATTRACTION.  When the depths of your conversations take you places you have never been or explored in your life, THATS ATTRACTION.  When they can look at you at your weakest or most physically attractive point and still see beauty in you, THATS ATTRACTION.  Its deep but that's when you know someone really SEES you for who you are.

Free yet unappreciative...

Have you ever considered what life would be like if you grew up in a country with either very limited or no civil liberties?  I find it interesting that no matter how free we are as a people in the US, we are, unfortunately, very greedy and unappreciative.  With the understanding that we have come very far, and granted we have so far to go, it's unfortunate that we judge people who are not like us.  We proclaim that we are suffering, when it is our own fault for not managing our perception, and for not educating ourselves.  We stomp on flags.  We are proclaim to be offended by everything but don't ever consider that we offend.  We fight for equality but don't treat each other equally or even how we would want to be treated.

Even with every civil liberty granted in the United States of America we focus on who has the largest butt, best weave, who's wining the most cases (just or unjust), nicest car, makes the most money, partying with and idolizing the famous...We worry more about every one else and less about managing ourselves, our children and our future.  I honestly feel bad for the future of this country.  We neglect the poor, we step on the weak, we judge the uneducated.

I like to think I use social media for the purpose for which I believe it was intended.  You can assume aspects of my life, which you are unaware of, and draw conclusions based on what you assumed, however the purpose is to challenge you to to change your perspective and challenge yourself to love more.  

The Loss

I am one of the most fearless people I know.  Most often extremely confident, strong and unemotional.  My ability to control my emotions has yielded to my success I believe.  I set goals and I achieve them.  My focus never wavered.  But every now and then life throws you a curve ball.  And even the most proactive person (like myself) is forced to be reactive.  I despise being reactive but I had no plan, and the curve ball I was hit with was life.  I mean actual life, growing inside of me.  For a moment time and space stood still.  While these things most often are never planned, in my case no exception, we decided to be parents.  From that moment I became a mother and my love for my child was unfamiliar but good.

Most often women while pregnant experience exclusion.  Excluded for hanging out, because you can't drink or partying because your too tired and/or have a moral issue with being out while with child.  While pregnant you become one with your body and your child.  It is literally just the two of you because unless you have been pregnant, you can't fathom the extent of the love shared between a mother and child.  And you also can't understand the exclusion until your sitting in it.  Nonetheless we prevail, and move forward as exclusion becomes a memory.  A mother focuses on her child, the life growing inside her womb, and what she needs to do to protect that child and keep him/her safe at all costs.

Everyday I think "if only I could give anything to get my son back".  I was one of those first time mothers who is very in tune with my body, and at that time all things I had experienced, as far as I was aware, was extremely normal; no issues and no complications.  But the one day I experienced something out of the ordinary, I soon sensed something was wrong.  I went in to labor too early and soon thereafter, my child was be born, into this world all too soon.

A loss, like this, was so foreign to me.  How was I to know how to feel and how to react to something like this.  For a typically unemotional person this was a bit too much, to say the least.  This is especially since I literally gave birth (naturally, without any medicine might I add) and the pain I endured was nothing compared to the joy I felt holding my baby in my arms.  A moment with King I will never get back.  I miss him every single day.  This love is extraordinary.  And now all of my memories rest in my head and in a box...jam packed with love, joy and pain of losing him.

Not sure how to move forward after this loss, but I redirect my focus on what's in front of me, not what was.  I think about him every day.  I see his picture every day, and although every day gets easier that day, 8-1-15, I was left broken.  And that piece ripped from my heart will forever remain unamended from this loss.

Back Against the Wall

In life I find my tolerance for the lack of  decency and lack of consideration of others is steadily decreasing.  When you understand your self-worth, you know definitively what you will and will not tolerate.

My entire life I've fought to be understood and/or heard.  But people don't hear you when they don't like what you have to say.  Perception is often taken and used to justify one part of an argument without being used objectively to identify the issue and find a solution. It's easy for people to say how something makes him/her feel without understanding how his/her response makes someone else (the other party) feel.   I say all this to say as I examine my intimate and platonic interactions I have come to recognize that only you define your worth.  Not what you value but your value.  Possessions show what you value but have no merit on your value.   Many people get lost in the idea that they want people to think they have it all when in fact they are just broken on the inside, trying to maintain an image that only takes them further from the idea of their very own being (God given purpose).

When I try to share this specific idea with people it only seems that I am pushed further and further against the wall.  When you try and get people to see their lack of understanding or to see that it is very clear that the idea of his/herself portrayed is in direct contradiction with who people are it is like walking into a war zone.  No one wants people to see them for who they are when they have yet to come to terms with who they are...

In one of my last interactions it was so obvious that the individual's social network platform was the place he went to establish and validate his horizontal purpose (not God given).  He wanted people to believe that he was of great character, great choices, great passion for his people and great service (very philanthropic) but what he didn't portray was how in reality his actions and choices very rarely exemplified the man he portrayed to be.  He was caught in between right and ridiculous.  Lost in my opinion.  When you try to tell a man that he is not everything he portrays to be defenses automatically go up and your genuine concern for his personal growth are lost.  You begin to be identified as confused.  And when you continue to have people that are fooled by who you want to be and don't see you for who you are, you are more inclined to gravitate toward individuals who believe the idea of you.

I guess in a perfect world every man would be who they truly are and accept their faults and work honestly on being and portraying the same things.

One can dream...

Written (Originally Posted on TRTV blog by me 8/4/09)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2009

Written

So I can not remember a time when my hand did not clasp a pen or pencil....

I have had several journals and each page captured a different moment, a different feeling, a different time... Good times, bad times, sad times; all of which I wanted to remember. You never want to forget those emotions that hurt you, so you will not allow yourself to experience them again. You never want to loose sight of those things that worked for you, so you can recall on them to win.

For as long as I can remember, my heart has been written....I know no other way.

What is it that you love? What is your passion? Your dream....Do you wake up out of your sleep and think of it? 

Whatever it is, if it has you like that, you should take hold of it. Fight for it. I was not always understood but whenever I wasn't I would write about it. And there I found peace; and my serenity will forever lie in it...the pages.

Where do you vent?

I subscribe to my pages.....

*******************************

This week has been a good week. I have been encompassed by a great amount of peace. It feels wonderful. And you do not have to be married, successful or wealthy to be happy. Happiness comes from within...if emerges when you are at peace with yourself. No facade, just real. And you can really enjoy it when you find the positive in each moment, each downfall, each trial, etc. Nothing is ever perfect, but when you acknowledge the lesson in it, you can use it; re-direct your focus.

I am determined to do me, make me happy buy seeking my dreams....And they do not come from nothing. You have to give more than 50 percent; and I guarantee you it can be done.

Once you are sought....you will know your fight was won!

Original Post

History Pt.1 -Racism & the "Right Now"

I spent my early years trying to find my purpose as most.  I wanted to know what my place was on this earth.  I wanted to determine how I would impact the individuals I came in contract with.  I wanted to know how I could make the world better.  As a child my world view was distorted.  My perception of life was what was provided to me via cultural norms, history lessons and the state of the current economy.  And although as a student I had no interest in history, that never meant I didn't pay attention to it.  How I wanted to view the world never depended on what was, for me it was always about what is and what will be.  I hoped to impact what will be.

As an adult I shifted my view, not only was my perception formed by my cultural norms, religious beliefs, moral, values, etc., but my perception of the world is too heavily impacted by how others see it.  Because I believe in order for me to impact change appropriately I have to understand how and why the world is viewed as it is.  After spending sometime in another country I came to find that the world is as great or as miserable as we see it.  While living overseas I spent time in a country which is not as  "racially specific/classified" as the US.  The first thing I appreciated was that I was labeled an American, not African-American.  For as long as I can remember I was born in America, with decent of African heritage but so far removed (well over 6 generations) that I saw myself as more of an American than anything.  Now that is not to say that I did not want to learn about or disown my roots, that is not what I am saying at all, but I am an American right?  I always questioned why classification had to be further specified in the US. I found that in the US we subcategorize ourselves until we cannot anymore.  Whether race, socioeconomic class, religion etc.  While I understand the statistical need for this, I do believe that this further perpetuates the idea of racism.

As a child I learned of racism, as an African American youth I watched Roots (and other movies amongst reading and researching the history of slavery and injustice), and I understood the severity of how it was to live during that time.  I admire my ancestors and predecessors for their courage and strength during those times.  As difficult as it was to exist in those times, I like to think (as an adult), that I would not allow all of those instances to taint my view of the world as I know it today.  Never to forget how far the world or African-American people have come as a whole, but to view the world for its progress and to hope to impact more positive change.  I saw it possible when I lived overseas.  People loving one another and coexisting as one race.  Not only had I never experienced it, but before I had experienced it I never considered it could be possible.

What is most prevalent now is how we see the world and what we want to make of it.  I believe we are right now people (generally speaking).  We are people who act on, fight for, get emotionally involved in issues of "right now".  What do I consider a "right now" cause?  Well when I speak of a "right now" cause I am referring to those issues, occurrences and/or ideals that have been publicized to evoke a mass emotional response.  The media provides every source of current events and news in the world.  Yet we somehow do not see the contradiction.  The media informs the people of the news, but unless you are conscious of the manipulative nature of the press/news you may not consider the idea that the news shapes your perception/or view of said news.  The media plays on the response of the people watching it (to provoke an emotional response), to yield to more ratings to signify "news worthy" press.  Before the cause was presented via media outlets, did you know what was happening?  Did it concern you what injustice was occurring around the world?  Odds are you had no idea, because it was something that did not interrupt your everyday routine or impact you personally.  But now that you know you feel emotionally empowered to provoke change.  But what happens when it is no longer newsworthy?  We forget and go on to the next "right now" cause.  Its a never ending cycle.

Unfortunately we are not proactive people.  We address things as they are presented to us.  We do not go out and make the difference we want to seek because before it became newsworthy it was not an issue for us.  We assume everything is ok until we believe there is "proof" that it is not.  Or we assume the absolute worst, until there is proof it is not.  I despise the bandwagon causes.  But hey we are in a very free country.  A country we fail to understand how to live in.  A country we fail to exist in peacefully.  While I do believe that injustice and racism is prevalent today, I too believe that how we view the world contributes to the extent of how we view injustice and/or racism.

In efforts to not make this post one million words, I will take a pause and come back to this topic.  I will discuss the views of African Americans and other world leaders whose causes were to fight for justice for all, regardless to race, creed, color, religion, etc.  I can only hope that one day their ideals will be actualized and not just misinterpreted and/or misused to support "right now" causes.  

A Necessary Thought...

I despise the idea that I maybe considered less of an African American because I have a different view...not necessarily in opposition but different.. Riots and looting solve nothing! Never have and never will! It's a moment of attention but when nothing comes from the action then what? What other efforts are you going to make? 

"We are in one of the freest countries in the world", yet we don't know how to survive in it. We allow it to control us and don't take responsibility for our actions just play victim and exist believing that "this is how it has to be" without doing anything about it. Mothers and fathers send their kids to school don't check homework or give two cares about the lack of respect a child shows toward his/her teacher or fellow student. But then it's not the parent it's the teacher responsibility ! Ok... So if we don't care why should they? If we fear each other, why wouldn't they? 

If all we can see is a white man killing a black man we are missing the real issue...and I am not in any way trying to belittle this counties history of slavery however the judicial system/law is corrupt. This country was founded on Christian principle yet we live in contradiction of those principles. And the irony of it all is that we praise people in law school who consider themselves great if they can get a "guilty" man off...and why? Because they have used the legal system in their favor and not for what is fair or just in a way that shows they a superior to the law, e.g. mastered it. 

There are many systems that fail us daily yet we fail to identify them and with the simple fact that perception is everything. We as a culture are failing one another... We have to get in front of that and be the change we want to seek. We spend more time hating and envying people than loving people and genuinely being concerned for their wellbeing and/or aiding in their progress. It's time out for always playing the victim. It's not helping us at all! 

Not saying that it's not wrong by far that men have died at the hands of officers who failed to practice law enforcement appropriately. But what I will say is that one reason I want a gun is to protect me from people who have no common decency and selfish goals. 

We can't control men or women...we can't control their ideas, motives etc., but what we can control is ourselves and the circumstances and situations we put ourselves in... We have control over our children and the moral, value and standards that they hold themselves to. We have control over how others perceive us. We have control over our behavior. We have the choice to be better... I guess one day we will make an effort to progress in the absence of killing, anger, raping, jealousy/envy, pride and money driven goals. 

Love... Now that may be the answer we can't fathom will work but just may do the trick!

Next Chapter

Sometimes in life love seems to be the biggest disappointment.  If that is the case the idea of love is still foreign.  I will not rant about what love is, you can read"The love Trials" or there are plenty of poems on my blog that share that information with you.   But what I will do is share the natural way love and purpose manifests in your life.  How we interpret this shows us who we are.  I have been watching someone in particular fall in love with me, unwillingly and it is crazy how in denial one seems to be.  Not only that when confronted with questions regarding behavior love is not only avoided, it is not an option.  But actions and words are not aligned.  Naturally when words and actions do not align we tend to seek affirmation from actions.  What people do can be seen to be more accurate than what people say.  What I have learned is that the only thing we can gather from words and actions not aligning is that they are not being honest with themselves.  They do not want to confront the truth.  Because when you are honest, your actions are a reflection of your words.

In this and previous chapters of my life I have made it a point to ensure that I vocalize my purpose.  Though now my actions are not quite aligning with my words.  I have been a writer for many years.  I have experienced things, I have been given wisdom far beyond my years but up until recently, I was not able to own up to that responsibility.  I was always afraid of what it would make me look like to know and and share such things.  But now I am not afraid of using it for the greater good.  I can't keep this inside for the rest of my life.  I have to share it.  I have to be all of the things I profess in my blogs and poems.  And I want to see it happen in this life.  It starts with me...So...now is the time.   I take accountability for my actions, I own up to my intentions and stop waiting on something to happen that I know I must make happen.  The process I am unsure of, but what I do know is that now my heart, mind, body, soul and spirit seek to be on the same page with my purpose. There is indeed WORK to be done.

The Contradiction

I love life, love and peace.  I wish that everyone could truly experience a peace of mind at least once in their lifetime.  You have to desire and seek a certain level of clarity and your humility, well you can't ever lose sight of it.  I am and will always be a POET first.  That is why I speak poetically, at all times the words, no matter what shape they take, rhythmically flow, tune state...poetry.  And now my thoughts on the contradiction of the mind overflow.  I find it funny that secular goals motivate and steer our interactions, behavior, progress or what we deem progress or success etc..  Most of us wake up in search of wealth, money, gold or riches (biblical speaking), yet you never encounter your life purpose.  What are you here for?  Instead of seeking the vertical perspective to answer this question, you find the news, entertainment shows and celebrities to give you a false idea of happiness, love and prosperity.  And that is what you seek.  Daily...off course.  Complacent with the idea that someone else's experience, wealth, love and/or life should be your own.  Selfishly you seek it, losing track of all the people you lost, released, demeaned, disrespected,  ignored or mistreated to get to "the top".  Only to find that you were trying to be everything GOD was not.  But you praise him, yet you seek him in secular things.  Needless for me to explain the contradicting things if you never listen...

life view
for many
are consumed with false ideology
life
horizontally

we go to church
we study the word
only to find our lifestyle will never align
never sought
his plan
and the walk
not your own
when your mind finds the state
that complacency cannot overtake
he will speak to you

and
show you life with a clean slate
give you a plan to impact the world
not always what you desire
but that's the thing
doing for him isn't selfish

it has a greater meaning

but until you look vertically

you remain

on a horizontal path

to nowhere

so

no need to point out the contradiction 

your already there...

Media Perception

As a woman, of Indian and African American decent, I am appalled at how easily we (women) all the media to dictate our perception of ourselves.  Not only will we allow status and superficial goals to drive our morality, it is sad that we allow the media to contribute to insecurity.  It prompts me to question how lost are we?  As women of God or as a women in general no matter what race, color or religion, we have allowed man-made ideals to validate our self-worth.  Why?  Easy for me to answer because we can't possibly love ourselves.  We can't possibly know ourselves if we so easily change our perception of ourselves to fit the masses.  Our drive has shifted, our moral and values lost in the ideals presented to us through the media.  We mimic what we are not to validate us.  It is so sad that we are lost.  We need to regain control of our minds.  I wrote a poem about beauty and the perception of beauty and what we should see when we are "Naked".  I have posted the revisited poem below:

NAKED

As your bare
witnessing nude
Naked
you
not nude lips
cheeks and eyes
no make-up can hid
the truth in your eyes
void of mascara
shimmer and shine
your face speaks
the story of blemishes, moles and black eyes
you can no longer hide
Naked
not nude
what thoughts flow through your mind?
what phrases find
The tip of your lips
as voice seeps
You try to keep your insecurities hidden
want to say positive things
But your criticism speaks
of how you hate
firm thighs
love made handles
and breast of any size
you fight back the desire to cry
depressed at how
marks stretched long and wide
share your story
the one you didn't want to tell
cellulite bears the pain
of memories held
and you continue to find the negative in the
frame
that has been with you in this walk of life
You cry
because for the first time you see
yourself
naked...
beauty
in the eyes of the beholder as our predecessors say
should be the driving force behind your desire to be great
morality defines value
and virtue
of a woman God ordained to carry life
and we are the immediate reflection of our past
we are the model for our future
yet man made perceptions taint
what we know as beautiful
so in the absence of the man who does not see
you
the woman of grace
with lack of fear in her eyes
the woman of strength
with lack of jealousy in her heart
the woman of life
with lack of hatred in her spirit
I say to you my sister
my daughter
my mother
and friend
I love you
and we are virtuous women
lover and barer of life
seekers of peace
and conscious minds
in active pursuit to be what God has defined as
femininity