It has been a minute since I have allowed anyone to take a stroll. So much going on emotionally that has me very vulnerable. If you know me at all you know if hate to be vulnerable so this has been a very difficult time for me. While working extremely hard and trying to maintain a social life I find it very difficult to keep two people from my mind, my best friend's mother, who recently passed away from breast cancer, and an old friend. The process of grieving is one in the same as the process of moving on from a relationship. What is worse is opening yourself up to greater possibilities and having the door slammed in your face for reasons unknown. In recent conversations I have been surprised at how open I have been to the fact that I have greatly been impacted by the loss of my best friend's mother. It was a great loss for me and I typically handle death pretty well, but the woman was so wonderful and had such a profound affect on me. I miss her more than I can articulate and I wish I could just have one more conversation with her to gain her wisdom. I am truly truly hurt by this loss. At the same token I have given the one and only true love of my life away and it has been the hardest to deal with because just recently I realized that I regret my actions. I regret saying "no" instead of "why now". I am not one to regret and for that reason alone I think that this year I have been living more than usual, taking risk and living as much as I can. But as much as I write, speak and encourage others to love I have not loved in a long time. I want to, my soul longs to but I can't give love to just anyone. How am I going to get out of this rut? Only time will tell but expressing this can only help.
For now...
For now...
