Change is...

I have learned in my lifetime but so much recently. As a human, an imperfect human, and as an adult I have discovered that change is hard to adapt to. Change is not only hard but it's even worse when your forced to change. Now don't misunderstand, I understand evolution and I appreciate change and growth as well but this post will discuss an individual adapting to change and the struggles associate with the power of change and his/her desire to control that.

I understand now the power of control. We seek control so that we can feel purposeful, valuable and to enhance our self worth. We seek power and control in some aspect of our lives or another's life to feel significant. But is control the type of power you really want?

To have control over self and all your individual situations speaks to power of choice. We always want to choose our own path. We want to direct our own journey. And there is nothing wrong with that growth pattern. But when you began to dictate the life and journey of others, the power of choice is now control. That control will make you out of control and hinders you from your own growth.

I'm just scratching the surface here. I can get a bit long winded but I want you all to think about that!

Life is...

Life is full of the inexplicable, the unknown and the uncertain.  In life we try our hardest to make sense of it all.  The point of living is loving, growing and learning all that there is to learn.  With that I say that my life has taken an unexpected turn and sometimes I want to fight the natural order.  Sometimes I want to be ahead of the plan.  But that is not always how it should be.

He said yesterday
And today
"I love you"
And I couldn't face the words
For they were not spoken from the heart of the man
For which I long
But it was aright
I mean
It was ok
I do accept that life
My life
Will not be the way that I anticipated
It will be greater
I'm open now to the possibility
No longer closed off to reality
I can see now
And my life
As I know it now
Will be different
And so it continues...

AudriWrites Community

So I am trying something new on my website and I have added a community forum.  I would love to have more in depth conversations about life, love and learning with you all.  I have my blog but this forum is a way to get more personal.  I share stories, you share stories and we help each other out.  So if you want to know more please visit my website www.audreyannawrites.com  and sign up for the AudriWrites Community.  Lets Live, Love and Learn together.

One Love,

Audreyanna

To go directly to the community forum please click here.

My Passion

Blank pages call to me

And I am what I read

I am what I see

I create the message

I give you me

Through words

And there is no technique for passion

And love that

You care to know

How

What

When

Where

And

Why

So

Take notes

Form opinions

And generate new ideas

That is the form of love

I wish to share

My passion

Living

Loving

Learning

You and I

Will be able to one day stand

Side by side

With no expectation for pain

Or unjust motives

Just limited space

Short distances

In between friends…

The Broken Hearted

I clasp my chest
Sharp pain didn't budge
And I
Fell back into the space
Where my heart was
And it
Frozen
No beat
No warmth
No love
And its color
A shade of purple
Its shape
Slightly tattered
Almost broken in two
No eyes
No faith
No hope
Unstable
And all I could see were memories of you
And love still longed to be
In the place where you reside
But the chance omitted by foolish pride
And one day
This  pain will find you
And I will be the only one
To save you
One broken heart
Mends another
Love cures torn lovers

The Hardest Thing I Had To Do...

I walked a way
Head up
Heart sunk
Into the pit of my stomach
And
Heartache was an understatement
But I was courageous
Walking away from a love that took no chances

You
Always wanted to play it safe
So you safely choose the alternative
Not me
And I see clearer now
The way you felt when I protected my heart
From your choices
Poor in my opinion
But learning love lessons
No better feeling

Now
Giving him
What I wanted to give to you
Taking back
All that was lost in you
Yet sometimes I feel
You were the best in love
And sometimes
It's still hard to let go of what was
Yet I have to know where true love lies
In the arms of the man who LONGS to be by my side
Not just here for the ride
Willing to accept a portion of my stride
My walk
You and I
Unaligned

I see the vertical perspective
I have horizontal references
And you perpendicular
To what life demands
Scared to accept all things not perfect
Bending over backward to make her SEEM
Worth it
But you can't force it
Love
And when it is meant it last a life time
But when it matures
It builds soul tides

Learning in love
Hurts
But it is the hardest thing I had to do
And now
IN LOVE
I loose the grasp of you
I take back the key
And close the portal to
Possibility with anyone
Like you...

At my own discretion...

I am trapped
head spinning
whirl wind
of confusion
but only at my discretion
do I
clear the clouds
Drained
Know right
but want to keep
Left
and behind I remain
Unwilling to see
directly in front of me
And you
Out of sight
But still in mind
and heart alike
Can't
Refuse
to rid myself of you
So
Trapped
I remain
at my own
Discretion

Sex & Emotions: Truth Speak Series

So in some fairly recent conversations I have discovered that most men feel that women do not have the capability to emotionally detach themselves from sex.  I can only speak for myself, but I can easily separate the difference from love and lust.  Now don't get me wrong, some women only have sex with men they have some sort of a connection with.  Most women are able to differ between having sex and developing an emotional connection via physical relations.  For me, I enjoy having sex with someone I have an emotional connection with, however that does not mean that after we have sex one time I am head over hills in love.  There are several factors that determine whether or not I would consider moving forward with that man.  Truth be told, sex can make or break a connection.  You could have a great intellectual and physical attraction to someone, but if the sex ends up being horrible, even if it begins with a great deal of passion, the situation will more than likely cease to exist.  I know that remains true for me anyway.

That does not go to say that passionate sex will not spark greater feelings and increase desire to look forward with that individual, but making assumptions and generalizations based on ideas of women and our emotional boundaries is wrong.  All women are NOT the same.  Just like all men are NOT the same.  Every man and women looks for certain things in a significant other, if he/she finds that that individual is covering all the bases, quite naturally you wish to continue developing a relationship with that individual.  Now of course we will not like everyone that likes us and visa versa, so that is why I feel that communication is the key.  Some men don't want to admit that they do not feel the same way so instead they lead that person on, or totally cut that person off leaving questions.  I personally prefer someone to be forward with me.  Because I will definitely be forward, completely honest, with the man I am seeing at that time.  On the flip side, some women are only looking for sex or are looking to connect with any man with hopes that he may be the one, others are looking for the honesty from a man and few are detached until they are sure the man they are seeing is completely interested in being in a relationship as well.  Regardless, I can only speak for myself, and I confidently say that this theory that men have regarding women's inability to detach emotions during sex, does not apply to me.  But I want to hear from you....

Father's Day! TRUTH SPEAK SERIES

So in essence of the holiday or shall I say day of recognition, I decided to just give you all some truth.  MY TRUTH.  So here goes...

I haven't talked to my father in over four years.  Not only that, in the years prior, to the last four of course, I tried my hardest to break all communication barriers and be the bridge between our divided family.  By divided I mean the separation between his relationship with all four (possibly five) of my father's children.  He has two from my mother and two from his current wife.  The fifth, well would actually be the first but I just recently found out about him and I can't really be too sure of his whereabouts, but I will say I have always wanted an older brother.  Turns out I have one that I don't know.  Well as far as I am aware anyway.

My Father wasn't always absent.  He used to be a very active parent, when I was a child.  It wasn't until we turned 18 that he dropped us and said "Good luck with the rest of your lives, I'm done!"  Of course that is my interpretation but it felt just like that actually.  I can still remember all the shopping sprees and video games, quality time, etc. with my Dad as a child.   It was lovely.  However now, I can only imagine what he is doing and how he has been.  Bothers me not actually but this is a time of year that I always seem to by pass without much thought.  Since I am doing the Truth Speak Series on my blog I figured I would just jot down my thoughts.

I am 27 going on 28 years old this year.  That means that it has literally been about 10 years since my father took the backseat in my life.  And I really shouldn't even say backseat because that is still pretty close.  I mean there is no communication what so ever.  It is crazy because I am sure he Googles me  and keeps up with my work and my websites, etc.  At this point in my life I find that his support, especially for such a very creative individual, is important.  Or should I say would be very important.

I am reflecting today on the years as a child I spent time with my father that were good.  I want to say Happy Father's Day to all of the men that have made an impact on my life, including my father.  Where ever he is at this point.  For what it's worth I don't hold grudges with any man on this earth.  I will never shy away from the truth.  My life is not perfect and it doesn't mean that it would be any better if he was present.  But I will say that his absence has made me a lot stronger than I could have ever imagined.  So for what it's worth, I will thank you for that.

INTERNET: FOR GOOD OR EVIL? TRUTH SPEAK SERIES

So this post is to provoke thought on the pros and cons of the world wide web.

Sure at this point we find ourselves very dependent on the internet and all of the information we are able to access.  I understand the right to free speech and all other civil liberties, but I often wonder how much better the world would be if it were void of technological advances.  Particularly the internet/world wide web.

We see it everyday many loosing there lives at the hands of those who wish to experiment with minds.  With those who wish to pass on evil thoughts and deeds.  Those who upload suicidal how-tos for ready access to children.  And those who take pleasure in manipulation.  Utilizing the world wide web to feast on the vulnerable and naive.  It really sickens me just thinking of this.  I don't want to focus too much on the negative impacts alone, because there are some very great things available.  The internet is more so of a convenience.  It provides us with the ability to access information quickly.  There is a wealth of information.   There is so much you can access.  So much in fact that most should not be available or accessible to children/youth under the age of 21.  So how do we censor?  My thought is that we must get parents that understand that the internet, although very useful, can in turn be very dangerous in the wrong hands.

Everyone has a certain peek of maturity.  Our parents would know that best.  Parents know what their children can or can not handle.  Parents know what information their children should or should not be exposed to a certain period in their lives.  Yet even with this knowledge we find that most parents are totally oblivious to the boundlessness of the internet.  Because most parents are clueless and fail to educate themselves on the extremities of the internet, we fail at establishing boundaries and monitoring access.   Instead we allow the internet to raise our children.  We allow the internet to be the go to person  for clarification on all aspects and for education of moral and social norms.

I will say for me, I developed a sense of moral from church.  I understood right and wrong and everything I learned in vacation bible study, the youth church camp, praise dance rehearsal and choir rehearsals framed my ability to make wise decisions.  Not to mention I had a mother who honestly cared.  I never felt that I could get anything by her.  She was always aware and even though it was annoying when I was a child it is much appreciated now.  And even though the internet was not as prominent during my adolescent, it was very prominent my teenage years and it was not nearly as advanced as it is now.  I will say that computers were primarily for the use of education, home work and research tools.  Though the internet serves as a vast research tool it also supports and caters to individual needs.  Everything is about customization.  What do you want?  What do you feel?  How do you want this to look? What would it be if I represented you?  And we tailor our websites, social networking pages and blogs to do just that.  While there is nothing wrong with individualism, it does lend to allowing our children to see/be exposed to many different practices that may not be like our own.  This, in my opinion fuels rebellion.  Now that your child knows what it is like in Johnny's home, he/she wants it to be the same way in his or her home.  And that initiates a cycle of rebellious acts.  Children then began to learn and be exposed to things you either did not want them to see at that age or things you did not believe they were mature enough to handle.  Because your child has deemed you as incapable of understanding how, when,  what, where and why your child developed these notions, there is a communication barrier established.  What child wants to talk to someone they feel "doesn't understand" them?  This of course, this feeling of being "misunderstood" contributes to shutting down. Your children/youth, I can very well use the two interchangeably, feels that he/she is now the only one that understands.  So they seek other individuals that share the same thoughts and feelings.  Then you allow your child to be vulnerable to others ideals.

What we should think about is how to keep this from occurring?  Once this has occurred is there a way to get the child's/youth's mind back?

I could obviously continue to talk on this topic forever but I really want to know what you all think.  Please do share you thoughts.  Do you agree?  What is your take on the internet?  Is it for Good or Evil?

I want to hear from you! 

Amazon Author Page Now Available

Click Here to go there NOW

MILLENNIALS & HOMOSEXUALITY...TRUTH SPEAK SERIES

So I dedicate this post to the younger generation.  I am unaware of the proper generalization.   I understand that my sisters and I fall in the category of Generation Y but I am going to call these children born in the range of mid to late 1990s to early to mid 2000s, the Millennials.

My thoughts on the Millennials & The Fad of Homosexuality:

What is sad is how so many of our youth are followers.  Just about everyone is homosexual.  As a woman of strong Christian moral, I do not condone homosexuality however I do not judge those who make conscious decisions to be homosexuals.  But I do feel that the Millennials are taking homosexuality as a fad.  I remember when so many feared coming out about their sexual preference.  As a child I had no idea my uncle was homosexual, not until he had passed away and I was about 16 years old.  That is when I found out what he died from and I over heard my parents/aunts/uncles discussing it and put the pieces together.  But up until that point I had no reason to inquire about homosexuality.   I didn't know what homosexuality was.  Unfortunately the Millennials advance far before they are mature enough to handle the information they receive.  I feel that these children are making a mockery of  homosexuality.  I am by no means bashing those who feel that "that is the way they were born"  I am nearly pointing out that every young girl or man in middle and high school were not born that way.  But it seems as if it is the more popular thing to do now a days.

I would want these children to make up their own minds.   Find their own paths.  For a country that is based on Christian value and moral we deviate so far from making sure to impose that values and moral.  We are not put on this earth to judge anyone.  Only GOD can do that.  But we can share the word.  We can inspire others.  We can educate on what the word says, on GOD'S expectation.  We do not have the authority to criticize or mock.  I don't agree with that.  Even though I don't personally agree with homosexuality and that is not my preference, I would never criticize, hate, pass judgment or mock anyone.

What are your thoughts???

The Truth Will Set You FREE: TRUTH SPEAK SERIES

So it is crazy how we find the good and the bad in something that is morally wrong.  I am referring to LYING of course.  Bottom line, lying is wrong.  That is what we teach our children; we want them to be truth tellers.  There is dishonor in lying, however even with all of this understood, as adults, we never cease attempts to rationalize lying.

In most cases, well in some of my previous experiences, lying was only used when I wish not to hurt someone's feelings or to not get me in trouble ( as a child).  Now I find that lying does not help in any case.  When you lie to keep yourself from getting in trouble, even though in some cases it may work, you still never learn the lesson.  You will never understand why lying is wrong.  You feed into the assumption that lying helps when in actuality it does not.  If you are lying with hope to not hurt anyone's feelings, when that lie surfaces, the individual is hurt more that if you would have just told the truth in the beginning.

I am learning now that withholding information does not help either because it is misleading.  Not that I intentionally try to mislead people, I am just a very specific person so if you do not ask me a question the way you want me to answer, you may not receive the answer you are looking for.  And I do not operate under the "I think I know what you mean" assumption.  I will answer all questions as they are asked.  I will give nothing more and nothing less...period.

So with that being said, I have to ask how many of us lie?  How many of us feel that we are not really lying when we are concealing truths with the hope to not hurt anyone's feelings?  I am sure we can say we are all guilty of this at some point.  And for those of us who just blatantly lie and see no wrong in that, well you have a lot of work to do.

It is true what they say, once you tell one lie you must continue to tell another and another.  If you start out lying about simple things, before you know it your entire life will be a lie.  We have to stop using the excuse "it's none of their business" either.  When we try to keep people out of our business by lying we began to believe the lies we are telling.  Unfortunately then our entire lives become a lie and we can not decipher between what is real and what we make other's believe.

Think about that!

Today's Topic: Taking it to the grave... - Truth Speak Series

Unfortunately secrets will eat at you.  In the past, I admit that I am very much so guilty of encouraging someone else and myself to keep a secret.  Unfortunately keeping secrets does not ensure happiness.  Withholding truths eats at your conscious.  We all have the capacity to determine what is right from wrong.  We all know that telling the truth is better than lying however I find that more so as an adult we shy away from the truth in relationships.  And that is any kind of relationship.

I happen to believe in honesty.  I have developed a mindset where I encourage everyone I am in a relationship with, whether it be friendship, sibling, mother-daughter, father-daughter, romantic, etc. to be honest in everything.  If you believe that knowing the truth is more beneficial than knowing a lie than you empower yourself to set an expectation of honesty.  And I stand for nothing less.

I have not always be as forthcoming and even if I am not initially at some point I will voice my concerns, opinions and/or feelings and ask people to take my truth for what it is.  I understand too that sometimes we make judgements on how critical information may be.  But we do not fully understand the importance of specific facts to another individual.  For some the smallest things are very irritable and for some the more larger issues and critical.  And that could too be dependent upon the situation.  It is not our role to dictate what will or will not be important to someone else, but it is our role to stay true to ourselves.  It is our responsibility to make sure that we bestow the same respect and expectations on someone that we wish to receive.

I want to share a secret of my own:

So when I was sixteen years old I was molested.  I remember immediately feeling helpless, trapped and scared.  I feared for my own safety.  I feared that the next step would ultimately be rape.  I was so scared all I could do was pray.  For me the first time I ever shared this secret was too a bunch of strangers.   I found that it was easier to express because no one really knew me.  No one could make any connections as to who I was talking about.  It was also approximately 4 years after it occurred.  So imagine keeping that secret, the emotions, etc. bottled up for four years and trying to live without hate and frustration.  Even with this incident I managed to not hate every man on the face of the earth.  I managed to still know when and how to trust.  I believe that my strength came from God.  I chose to forgive.

I pose a couple of questions to you:


How many of you deem withholding infidelity from a partner ok (whether married or unmarried) if he or she does not find out?  Why or Why not?


How many of you are dealing with secrets that are tearing you up inside?  Will you ever tell?  Why or Why not?

Today's Topic: How Prejudice Are You??? - TRUTH SPEAK SERIES

So many of us do not like to admit the fact that we do hold some sort of feelings toward the prejudice that still remains.  Some of us fail to admit that we are actually prejudice.  It is quite natural in my opinion to segregate and use misguided opinions (assumptions).

I grew up in an age where I did NOT have to witness segregation, however I did have to learn about it and hear of its affects.  Those lessons in turn fueled a very early opinion regarding the mindset and thought process of caucasian individuals.  Although I do NOT consider myself racist or prejudice, I can not help but admit the pain, frustration and helplessness I feel when I hear about the trials and tribulations of my ancestors.  It sparks up a certain disappointment and rage.  I have the capacity to contain myself and my thoughts.  I have the ability to separate the past from the present, and in that respect I am able to not hold a grudge with individuals based on color alone.

Unfortunately racial bias and discrimination still occur.  Because of this, as an African American, we are sometimes forced to be prepared to handle these situations.  In those preparations we are planting and harboring seeds of the expectation of prejudice.  Some people believe that the capacity to succeed is based on color.  Some people believe that their  own setbacks are based on color.  We have to eliminate the mindset in order to truly eliminate prejudice and discrimination.  No one color is more prominent or more powerful than the other.  No one color has better chances at success than the other.  We have to stop generalizing personal traits and individual moral and standards.  We are making assumptions based on generalizations of a nation of individual people.  We have to stop making assumptions and making assess out of ourselves.   Not only because we are losing innocent lives, but because we are minimizing our own potential.  To live in this world and say that it is VOID of prejudice is ridiculous.  To live in this world and say that you are not prejudice is arguable.

My question to you all is will this ever end?  Will we ever be in a world void of racial discrimination?

Truth Speak Series

So I am working on something new and I am excited about it!  I had an idea to do a series of post, and it will initiate the month of May and go one through June.  During this period I will orchestrate some, what I like to call, "Truth Speak" topics.  I will encourage men and woman to share their stories.   Stories not exceeding 300 words, that will express aspects of their trials, journey and tribulations.  Somethings that most people may not know anything about.  More or less the deep dark secrets.  Fundamentally the truth.  I will also be so open to share things as well, that many may not be aware of.  

This "Truth Speak" Series is developed to help find closure and peace within the truth.  So often we hide things and we never understand how much the secrets manifest into pain and emotions of anger and frustration until we let it out.  By speaking about it, we are freeing up space in our hearts to let love in.  We are letting it go.  We can encourage one another.  We may also find that we have some things in common.  We will offer up suggestions.

This series is going to help give birth to spirits of forgiveness.  This series will help diminish spirits of fear, desperation, doubt and frustration.  This series will encourage us to move forward to some thing greater.

If you are willing to participate please visit my Facebook page www.facebook.com/audriwrites and let me know your interest.  Or simply comment on this post.

Have a great day all.

One Love,

Audreyanna

A to Z Challenge on AUDRIWRITES the BLOG NOW!!!

A to Z Challenge - 30 Days of Comic Relief

So if you know me at all I am definitely pushing myself outside of my comfort zone by writing about comedy in general.  Although I consider myself to be somewhat funny, more of a sarcastic funny really, but I am definitely going to try and thoroughly examine what contributes to a successful comedy.  

For all that are familiar with the with A to Z Challenge don’t judge me I am a rookie.  And for those who are unfamiliar with the Challenge basically I will be posting each day with a letter from A to Z (starting with A) being the topic for the post of that day.   If that doesn’t define the challenge thorough enough for you please feel free to click the link below:

http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/p/what-is-blogging-from-to-z.html 

Hope you all enjoy!  

One Love,

Audreyanna

Chip away...

You chipped away at me
and I stuck to you still
like cement
I didn't move
even when you chose
to be
and dwell in the spaces
the place in between
uncertain
I made excuses for you
I hoped you would make your way back to
but you went on to the next
and chiseled at me
I allowed you to
Chip me away
and now my love is displaced

Untitled

so you are
that foreign tale
I longed never to get to
that broken heart
crippled pride
broken stride
and smiles
kept from life to
illustrate the pain
and I longed never to gain
or fight to tame
this kindred soul
and that was all true
until the day I fell in love with you...

Southern Belles, Fiction Novel, Synopsis *COMING SOON*

Southern Belles is a novel that takes readers on an emotional and dramatic journey into the lives, hearts and minds of a group of women who are true Southern Belles.  

Southern Belles is driven by the secrets of Jazzmine Phillips.  Jazzmine is originally from Chicago, but has lived in Texas for two years, in which she has developed a great friendship under the alias Alana Gaines with LaShelle, Natalie, Yolanda and Brittney.  When Jazzmine hit rock bottom, nearly being beaten to death, she fled Chicago and never looked back, determined to never let sex and money fuel desperation.  When Alana gets a feeling that she may have encountered a shady business deal, she calls on a friend from home to investigate.  Alana reluctantly discovers that LaShelles dedication to Slayton, is greater than any regard for Alanas best interest.

LaShelle, Shelle, age 30, is a woman of great knowledge but struggles with finding a balance between her professional, social and love life.  LaShelle is willing to do anything for the man she loves.  She is so blinded by love that it was inevitable that she would have to endure the consequences of being in a relationship with a notorious thug.

Natalie, Nat, age 25, spends most of her time climbing the corporate ladder, partying and seeking love.  Natalie has relations with three men; a man who doesnt really want to commit, a man who finally realizes that she is the one he wants and a man who she thought was willing to love her without obligation, through which she slowly discovers which gentleman truly has her best interest at heart.

Yolanda is a spoiled, unmotivated brat, who at the age of 28, still has no true goal for her life.  Yolanda lives at home with her parents in which she has no real responsibility.  Yolanda has acquired great education, at the expense of her parents, in hope to continue to receive their financial support.  She is perceived as naïve, but she always happens to be in the right place at the right time; because of that, she is able to shine light on a lot of things that have been going on right under the others noses.

Brittney, Britt, age 27, single handedly takes care of her son, Caleb, while running a very successful business and dealing with the trifling, selfish and freeloading man who fathered her child.  Brittney, so unhappy with the way her life was headed, leaves her babys father and jumps on a chance to be with her one true love, Maxwell Caleb Lawson, the man whom which she named her son after!   What Brittney thought would be a fairy tale ending turns into a nightmare.  Brittney finds out that everything that glitters isnt gold and there was a reason that she and Maxwell were not meant to be.

The Belles meet monthly; a time for each of them to reflect on their lifes journey, discuss issues and provide support for one another.  With this being a very dynamic group of women, the meetings can become unruly and not all the time do the ladies see eye to eye.

Southern Belles highlights the strength and determination southern women have for success.  Southern Belles seeks to promote self awareness, dignity and pride amongst women.  Southern Belles tells of how to succeed when faced with the inevitable aspects of life.

Who will persevere?  Whose life will end?  Will they remain friends?

Phases of Concrete

Fell hard on the grey slab
What was known to me as concrete
But what was known to you as
Cement
And the walls of entrapment
Or the pavement for road ways

I laid
I sat
I stood
I picked it up
Wasn't heavy at all
Seems that my mind
Translated the assumption into actuality
But really
It wasn't like I thought
Not at all
It was a grey stained t-shirt
That soaked up the words
And laughs
The smiles
And tears
Of all those who'd dare
To wear it
And now
It was my turn
To share it

The phases of concrete...

It is my turn to clear up the confusion
Put away misunderstanding
Make reality transparent
So you know the difference
Between
The phases of concrete