Free yet unappreciative...

Have you ever considered what life would be like if you grew up in a country with either very limited or no civil liberties?  I find it interesting that no matter how free we are as a people in the US, we are, unfortunately, very greedy and unappreciative.  With the understanding that we have come very far, and granted we have so far to go, it's unfortunate that we judge people who are not like us.  We proclaim that we are suffering, when it is our own fault for not managing our perception, and for not educating ourselves.  We stomp on flags.  We are proclaim to be offended by everything but don't ever consider that we offend.  We fight for equality but don't treat each other equally or even how we would want to be treated.

Even with every civil liberty granted in the United States of America we focus on who has the largest butt, best weave, who's wining the most cases (just or unjust), nicest car, makes the most money, partying with and idolizing the famous...We worry more about every one else and less about managing ourselves, our children and our future.  I honestly feel bad for the future of this country.  We neglect the poor, we step on the weak, we judge the uneducated.

I like to think I use social media for the purpose for which I believe it was intended.  You can assume aspects of my life, which you are unaware of, and draw conclusions based on what you assumed, however the purpose is to challenge you to to change your perspective and challenge yourself to love more.  

The Loss

I am one of the most fearless people I know.  Most often extremely confident, strong and unemotional.  My ability to control my emotions has yielded to my success I believe.  I set goals and I achieve them.  My focus never wavered.  But every now and then life throws you a curve ball.  And even the most proactive person (like myself) is forced to be reactive.  I despise being reactive but I had no plan, and the curve ball I was hit with was life.  I mean actual life, growing inside of me.  For a moment time and space stood still.  While these things most often are never planned, in my case no exception, we decided to be parents.  From that moment I became a mother and my love for my child was unfamiliar but good.

Most often women while pregnant experience exclusion.  Excluded for hanging out, because you can't drink or partying because your too tired and/or have a moral issue with being out while with child.  While pregnant you become one with your body and your child.  It is literally just the two of you because unless you have been pregnant, you can't fathom the extent of the love shared between a mother and child.  And you also can't understand the exclusion until your sitting in it.  Nonetheless we prevail, and move forward as exclusion becomes a memory.  A mother focuses on her child, the life growing inside her womb, and what she needs to do to protect that child and keep him/her safe at all costs.

Everyday I think "if only I could give anything to get my son back".  I was one of those first time mothers who is very in tune with my body, and at that time all things I had experienced, as far as I was aware, was extremely normal; no issues and no complications.  But the one day I experienced something out of the ordinary, I soon sensed something was wrong.  I went in to labor too early and soon thereafter, my child was be born, into this world all too soon.

A loss, like this, was so foreign to me.  How was I to know how to feel and how to react to something like this.  For a typically unemotional person this was a bit too much, to say the least.  This is especially since I literally gave birth (naturally, without any medicine might I add) and the pain I endured was nothing compared to the joy I felt holding my baby in my arms.  A moment with King I will never get back.  I miss him every single day.  This love is extraordinary.  And now all of my memories rest in my head and in a box...jam packed with love, joy and pain of losing him.

Not sure how to move forward after this loss, but I redirect my focus on what's in front of me, not what was.  I think about him every day.  I see his picture every day, and although every day gets easier that day, 8-1-15, I was left broken.  And that piece ripped from my heart will forever remain unamended from this loss.

Back Against the Wall

In life I find my tolerance for the lack of  decency and lack of consideration of others is steadily decreasing.  When you understand your self-worth, you know definitively what you will and will not tolerate.

My entire life I've fought to be understood and/or heard.  But people don't hear you when they don't like what you have to say.  Perception is often taken and used to justify one part of an argument without being used objectively to identify the issue and find a solution. It's easy for people to say how something makes him/her feel without understanding how his/her response makes someone else (the other party) feel.   I say all this to say as I examine my intimate and platonic interactions I have come to recognize that only you define your worth.  Not what you value but your value.  Possessions show what you value but have no merit on your value.   Many people get lost in the idea that they want people to think they have it all when in fact they are just broken on the inside, trying to maintain an image that only takes them further from the idea of their very own being (God given purpose).

When I try to share this specific idea with people it only seems that I am pushed further and further against the wall.  When you try and get people to see their lack of understanding or to see that it is very clear that the idea of his/herself portrayed is in direct contradiction with who people are it is like walking into a war zone.  No one wants people to see them for who they are when they have yet to come to terms with who they are...

In one of my last interactions it was so obvious that the individual's social network platform was the place he went to establish and validate his horizontal purpose (not God given).  He wanted people to believe that he was of great character, great choices, great passion for his people and great service (very philanthropic) but what he didn't portray was how in reality his actions and choices very rarely exemplified the man he portrayed to be.  He was caught in between right and ridiculous.  Lost in my opinion.  When you try to tell a man that he is not everything he portrays to be defenses automatically go up and your genuine concern for his personal growth are lost.  You begin to be identified as confused.  And when you continue to have people that are fooled by who you want to be and don't see you for who you are, you are more inclined to gravitate toward individuals who believe the idea of you.

I guess in a perfect world every man would be who they truly are and accept their faults and work honestly on being and portraying the same things.

One can dream...

Written (Originally Posted on TRTV blog by me 8/4/09)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2009

Written

So I can not remember a time when my hand did not clasp a pen or pencil....

I have had several journals and each page captured a different moment, a different feeling, a different time... Good times, bad times, sad times; all of which I wanted to remember. You never want to forget those emotions that hurt you, so you will not allow yourself to experience them again. You never want to loose sight of those things that worked for you, so you can recall on them to win.

For as long as I can remember, my heart has been written....I know no other way.

What is it that you love? What is your passion? Your dream....Do you wake up out of your sleep and think of it? 

Whatever it is, if it has you like that, you should take hold of it. Fight for it. I was not always understood but whenever I wasn't I would write about it. And there I found peace; and my serenity will forever lie in it...the pages.

Where do you vent?

I subscribe to my pages.....

*******************************

This week has been a good week. I have been encompassed by a great amount of peace. It feels wonderful. And you do not have to be married, successful or wealthy to be happy. Happiness comes from within...if emerges when you are at peace with yourself. No facade, just real. And you can really enjoy it when you find the positive in each moment, each downfall, each trial, etc. Nothing is ever perfect, but when you acknowledge the lesson in it, you can use it; re-direct your focus.

I am determined to do me, make me happy buy seeking my dreams....And they do not come from nothing. You have to give more than 50 percent; and I guarantee you it can be done.

Once you are sought....you will know your fight was won!

Original Post

History Pt.1 -Racism & the "Right Now"

I spent my early years trying to find my purpose as most.  I wanted to know what my place was on this earth.  I wanted to determine how I would impact the individuals I came in contract with.  I wanted to know how I could make the world better.  As a child my world view was distorted.  My perception of life was what was provided to me via cultural norms, history lessons and the state of the current economy.  And although as a student I had no interest in history, that never meant I didn't pay attention to it.  How I wanted to view the world never depended on what was, for me it was always about what is and what will be.  I hoped to impact what will be.

As an adult I shifted my view, not only was my perception formed by my cultural norms, religious beliefs, moral, values, etc., but my perception of the world is too heavily impacted by how others see it.  Because I believe in order for me to impact change appropriately I have to understand how and why the world is viewed as it is.  After spending sometime in another country I came to find that the world is as great or as miserable as we see it.  While living overseas I spent time in a country which is not as  "racially specific/classified" as the US.  The first thing I appreciated was that I was labeled an American, not African-American.  For as long as I can remember I was born in America, with decent of African heritage but so far removed (well over 6 generations) that I saw myself as more of an American than anything.  Now that is not to say that I did not want to learn about or disown my roots, that is not what I am saying at all, but I am an American right?  I always questioned why classification had to be further specified in the US. I found that in the US we subcategorize ourselves until we cannot anymore.  Whether race, socioeconomic class, religion etc.  While I understand the statistical need for this, I do believe that this further perpetuates the idea of racism.

As a child I learned of racism, as an African American youth I watched Roots (and other movies amongst reading and researching the history of slavery and injustice), and I understood the severity of how it was to live during that time.  I admire my ancestors and predecessors for their courage and strength during those times.  As difficult as it was to exist in those times, I like to think (as an adult), that I would not allow all of those instances to taint my view of the world as I know it today.  Never to forget how far the world or African-American people have come as a whole, but to view the world for its progress and to hope to impact more positive change.  I saw it possible when I lived overseas.  People loving one another and coexisting as one race.  Not only had I never experienced it, but before I had experienced it I never considered it could be possible.

What is most prevalent now is how we see the world and what we want to make of it.  I believe we are right now people (generally speaking).  We are people who act on, fight for, get emotionally involved in issues of "right now".  What do I consider a "right now" cause?  Well when I speak of a "right now" cause I am referring to those issues, occurrences and/or ideals that have been publicized to evoke a mass emotional response.  The media provides every source of current events and news in the world.  Yet we somehow do not see the contradiction.  The media informs the people of the news, but unless you are conscious of the manipulative nature of the press/news you may not consider the idea that the news shapes your perception/or view of said news.  The media plays on the response of the people watching it (to provoke an emotional response), to yield to more ratings to signify "news worthy" press.  Before the cause was presented via media outlets, did you know what was happening?  Did it concern you what injustice was occurring around the world?  Odds are you had no idea, because it was something that did not interrupt your everyday routine or impact you personally.  But now that you know you feel emotionally empowered to provoke change.  But what happens when it is no longer newsworthy?  We forget and go on to the next "right now" cause.  Its a never ending cycle.

Unfortunately we are not proactive people.  We address things as they are presented to us.  We do not go out and make the difference we want to seek because before it became newsworthy it was not an issue for us.  We assume everything is ok until we believe there is "proof" that it is not.  Or we assume the absolute worst, until there is proof it is not.  I despise the bandwagon causes.  But hey we are in a very free country.  A country we fail to understand how to live in.  A country we fail to exist in peacefully.  While I do believe that injustice and racism is prevalent today, I too believe that how we view the world contributes to the extent of how we view injustice and/or racism.

In efforts to not make this post one million words, I will take a pause and come back to this topic.  I will discuss the views of African Americans and other world leaders whose causes were to fight for justice for all, regardless to race, creed, color, religion, etc.  I can only hope that one day their ideals will be actualized and not just misinterpreted and/or misused to support "right now" causes.  

A Necessary Thought...

I despise the idea that I maybe considered less of an African American because I have a different view...not necessarily in opposition but different.. Riots and looting solve nothing! Never have and never will! It's a moment of attention but when nothing comes from the action then what? What other efforts are you going to make? 

"We are in one of the freest countries in the world", yet we don't know how to survive in it. We allow it to control us and don't take responsibility for our actions just play victim and exist believing that "this is how it has to be" without doing anything about it. Mothers and fathers send their kids to school don't check homework or give two cares about the lack of respect a child shows toward his/her teacher or fellow student. But then it's not the parent it's the teacher responsibility ! Ok... So if we don't care why should they? If we fear each other, why wouldn't they? 

If all we can see is a white man killing a black man we are missing the real issue...and I am not in any way trying to belittle this counties history of slavery however the judicial system/law is corrupt. This country was founded on Christian principle yet we live in contradiction of those principles. And the irony of it all is that we praise people in law school who consider themselves great if they can get a "guilty" man off...and why? Because they have used the legal system in their favor and not for what is fair or just in a way that shows they a superior to the law, e.g. mastered it. 

There are many systems that fail us daily yet we fail to identify them and with the simple fact that perception is everything. We as a culture are failing one another... We have to get in front of that and be the change we want to seek. We spend more time hating and envying people than loving people and genuinely being concerned for their wellbeing and/or aiding in their progress. It's time out for always playing the victim. It's not helping us at all! 

Not saying that it's not wrong by far that men have died at the hands of officers who failed to practice law enforcement appropriately. But what I will say is that one reason I want a gun is to protect me from people who have no common decency and selfish goals. 

We can't control men or women...we can't control their ideas, motives etc., but what we can control is ourselves and the circumstances and situations we put ourselves in... We have control over our children and the moral, value and standards that they hold themselves to. We have control over how others perceive us. We have control over our behavior. We have the choice to be better... I guess one day we will make an effort to progress in the absence of killing, anger, raping, jealousy/envy, pride and money driven goals. 

Love... Now that may be the answer we can't fathom will work but just may do the trick!

Next Chapter

Sometimes in life love seems to be the biggest disappointment.  If that is the case the idea of love is still foreign.  I will not rant about what love is, you can read"The love Trials" or there are plenty of poems on my blog that share that information with you.   But what I will do is share the natural way love and purpose manifests in your life.  How we interpret this shows us who we are.  I have been watching someone in particular fall in love with me, unwillingly and it is crazy how in denial one seems to be.  Not only that when confronted with questions regarding behavior love is not only avoided, it is not an option.  But actions and words are not aligned.  Naturally when words and actions do not align we tend to seek affirmation from actions.  What people do can be seen to be more accurate than what people say.  What I have learned is that the only thing we can gather from words and actions not aligning is that they are not being honest with themselves.  They do not want to confront the truth.  Because when you are honest, your actions are a reflection of your words.

In this and previous chapters of my life I have made it a point to ensure that I vocalize my purpose.  Though now my actions are not quite aligning with my words.  I have been a writer for many years.  I have experienced things, I have been given wisdom far beyond my years but up until recently, I was not able to own up to that responsibility.  I was always afraid of what it would make me look like to know and and share such things.  But now I am not afraid of using it for the greater good.  I can't keep this inside for the rest of my life.  I have to share it.  I have to be all of the things I profess in my blogs and poems.  And I want to see it happen in this life.  It starts with me...So...now is the time.   I take accountability for my actions, I own up to my intentions and stop waiting on something to happen that I know I must make happen.  The process I am unsure of, but what I do know is that now my heart, mind, body, soul and spirit seek to be on the same page with my purpose. There is indeed WORK to be done.

The Contradiction

I love life, love and peace.  I wish that everyone could truly experience a peace of mind at least once in their lifetime.  You have to desire and seek a certain level of clarity and your humility, well you can't ever lose sight of it.  I am and will always be a POET first.  That is why I speak poetically, at all times the words, no matter what shape they take, rhythmically flow, tune state...poetry.  And now my thoughts on the contradiction of the mind overflow.  I find it funny that secular goals motivate and steer our interactions, behavior, progress or what we deem progress or success etc..  Most of us wake up in search of wealth, money, gold or riches (biblical speaking), yet you never encounter your life purpose.  What are you here for?  Instead of seeking the vertical perspective to answer this question, you find the news, entertainment shows and celebrities to give you a false idea of happiness, love and prosperity.  And that is what you seek.  Daily...off course.  Complacent with the idea that someone else's experience, wealth, love and/or life should be your own.  Selfishly you seek it, losing track of all the people you lost, released, demeaned, disrespected,  ignored or mistreated to get to "the top".  Only to find that you were trying to be everything GOD was not.  But you praise him, yet you seek him in secular things.  Needless for me to explain the contradicting things if you never listen...

life view
for many
are consumed with false ideology
life
horizontally

we go to church
we study the word
only to find our lifestyle will never align
never sought
his plan
and the walk
not your own
when your mind finds the state
that complacency cannot overtake
he will speak to you

and
show you life with a clean slate
give you a plan to impact the world
not always what you desire
but that's the thing
doing for him isn't selfish

it has a greater meaning

but until you look vertically

you remain

on a horizontal path

to nowhere

so

no need to point out the contradiction 

your already there...

Media Perception

As a woman, of Indian and African American decent, I am appalled at how easily we (women) all the media to dictate our perception of ourselves.  Not only will we allow status and superficial goals to drive our morality, it is sad that we allow the media to contribute to insecurity.  It prompts me to question how lost are we?  As women of God or as a women in general no matter what race, color or religion, we have allowed man-made ideals to validate our self-worth.  Why?  Easy for me to answer because we can't possibly love ourselves.  We can't possibly know ourselves if we so easily change our perception of ourselves to fit the masses.  Our drive has shifted, our moral and values lost in the ideals presented to us through the media.  We mimic what we are not to validate us.  It is so sad that we are lost.  We need to regain control of our minds.  I wrote a poem about beauty and the perception of beauty and what we should see when we are "Naked".  I have posted the revisited poem below:

NAKED

As your bare
witnessing nude
Naked
you
not nude lips
cheeks and eyes
no make-up can hid
the truth in your eyes
void of mascara
shimmer and shine
your face speaks
the story of blemishes, moles and black eyes
you can no longer hide
Naked
not nude
what thoughts flow through your mind?
what phrases find
The tip of your lips
as voice seeps
You try to keep your insecurities hidden
want to say positive things
But your criticism speaks
of how you hate
firm thighs
love made handles
and breast of any size
you fight back the desire to cry
depressed at how
marks stretched long and wide
share your story
the one you didn't want to tell
cellulite bears the pain
of memories held
and you continue to find the negative in the
frame
that has been with you in this walk of life
You cry
because for the first time you see
yourself
naked...
beauty
in the eyes of the beholder as our predecessors say
should be the driving force behind your desire to be great
morality defines value
and virtue
of a woman God ordained to carry life
and we are the immediate reflection of our past
we are the model for our future
yet man made perceptions taint
what we know as beautiful
so in the absence of the man who does not see
you
the woman of grace
with lack of fear in her eyes
the woman of strength
with lack of jealousy in her heart
the woman of life
with lack of hatred in her spirit
I say to you my sister
my daughter
my mother
and friend
I love you
and we are virtuous women
lover and barer of life
seekers of peace
and conscious minds
in active pursuit to be what God has defined as
femininity

To Be Open...

In love nothing is guaranteed, but love is an amazing thing.  Because we are human and flawed creatures we tend to place our frustration with love on everything but ourselves.  Our lack of understanding of love and romance plays a large role in how we perceive love and what we expect out of love.  Love is simple, often complicated by us, so what you seek needs to be simple.  True love is in the eyes of the man/woman you want to change nothing about.  Simple right?  Easier said than done I know.  Love does not encompass a life time of trying to define or change someone.  Your smile, your gaze/stare in love should be from the purest place; an undying attraction because for that individual your attraction was formed in the most genuine place.  NOT LUST.  Genuine, sincere love and attraction for that individual.  We have to be open at all times.  We have to understand that broken hearts are a result of misunderstanding and lack of love.  True love is undying.  And fear does not live in love.  They cannot co-exist.

Open to
facades
like
you are open to new
food
and lust
but love
you shy away from
can't understand the difference
attraction is the same thing
as tranquil vibes
peace defined
simplicity
harmony in the eyes
dances under the moon
and kisses under the stars
with
love
or
lust
can't decifer

yet
not the same thing

so
you guess
because the soul doesn't sing
during lustful thrusts
or tears of distrust

no loyalty

so

love doesn't qualify

yet

the secular defines it as love

so that's what you believe in
that's what your seeking

totally closed off to 

understanding the truth

of love

and it may never find you

because your to lost 

to be open...