Confused

Unfortunately now confusion consumes and I can only equate that to the lack of expression.  I have failed at communicating my feelings, in literary form.  Oh how I miss thee.  I need to allow my words to say what my mind won't allow my mouth to utter.  In love and life now momentarily confused.  What to do?  Who to love?  How to love?  Why do I still hold feelings for one I let go?  Couldn't have let go fully and for some reason alone sounds heavenly.  I hate to choose.  Because if I chose I would choose him.  Same choice since day one, but I know better.  Or at least I thought I had.  Who craves a love when you are not number one?   OR am I?  Is he hung up on rejection?  But rejection had a cause...or so I thought.  May be that was a bad choice.  And that's where imperfection takes form.  In love I can't find the answer.  So I write to provoke thought.  What should I do?  I need answers...

Warm Season...

So I have been blessed in so many ways its been unreal!  I thank God so much for all of the wonderful things he is doing in my life!  My heart has been made a new and my passion for greatest and being purposeful in the lives of others is being fulfilled!  One more year, one more book and I'm falling more in love with writing everyday!  Life is great and this is definitely a warm season!  

I Wish...

You know today I wish I could get on a plane and not return until I am ready.  I found that some of the best experiences of my life I made possible.  I feel like I have to continue to make my own opportunities.  What am I waiting for?  Nothing and no one but me.  I am currently thinking of a plan to return to a space of mental, physical and emotional peace.  Stability.  My sanity.  I need you.  Not that I have just lost my mind, but I am better in a place of travel and adventure.  My world can be accessed through my laptop.  That is all I need.  My writing is here, my voice is heard here and my school can be accessed here so I feel like its all I need for now.  Sounds crazy how dependent on technology we are, but if I was perfectly honest with myself for a moment, I wish I was back in London, living my life...

Now thinking of my escape!

So...

To my electronic diary I thank you for allowing me to use you as my outlet.  I am often flustered by the redundancy of life.  If you know anything about me at all you know I live for excitement, spontaneity, freedom, peace and exploration.  I thrive off of "the new".  I need it and today is no exception.  I anticipate the jet life, I love the rush, and I am speaking poetically in this post, but I don't want to structure it.  I don't want the verses I need you to feel it, in the form of casual talk.  I am merely listing my own desires to share, nothing more.  With that being said I thank you for always allowing me to use you.  Furthermore I anticipate the new, got several trips coming up this year.  Ready to get back to the UK as I believe I left a piece of my heart there.  And some parts of my soul long to return there, possibly for life, but we will see how that goes.  Only time will tell but the Lord knows, where my soul will rest, where my heart finds peace and when my fingers will type no more...

Had Enough...

You know life is filled with days when I just want to say that I have had enough! I reached my tolerance for many things, bullshit, lying, lack of faith, inability to face truth, etc. Everyone has their own levels of tolerance and I have been dealing with several things for many years, today I must say that I have has enough! Granted my frustration initiated with lies no matter how small it bothers me so. I don't see the purpose in lying! It only catches up to you. Most often those who embellish truths don't realize that their lives become lies! And there is no escaping! At that point you fear the wrath of the truth! It's a never ending cycle! Just like the cycle of Slavery! We can't escape it because we can not escape the mindset! We enslave ourselves because some of us (and I am referring to those African Americans who use the past as a definition of their current state) are too devoted the idea that it still exists!  We will never progress with that outlook...ever.  Have you had enough yet?

Virtual Diary

So I come to you for understanding, my virtual diary.  Sometimes things make more since once read and or written.  I don't know about you but I walk this life seeking understanding, to gain knowledge and evoke love.  I understood that more recently, I was looking for someone to learn something from.  I found in previous relationships, whether platonic or intimate, that each individual not only had something to gain from my friendship but I found that I grew personally in each relationship.  Some of those growth lessons caused relationships to conclude and others contributed to generous amounts of learning.  For most I appreciate my lessons.  Sometimes though I hate that love didn't always turn out the way I wanted it to or I would have liked.  Despite that fact however, I keep living, loving and learning.  I will never get tired of that!  

Breaking Me Down...

So I once wrote about a love that I longed for, one that I thought would stand the test of time and now I am here writing about another love that is breaking me down. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me view love in a totally different perspective. I appreciate clarity. No matter what form it comes in.

Just because I'm over you
Doesn't mean he's right for me
I fought hard to make sure
If its love
It would never again pass me
And this time was no exception
I must learn a valuable lesson
I must leave my pride
I must stray away from stubbornness
I must increase communication
I have to create you a space
Not a crevice to seep in
When I least expected
I had to open the door
And give you the key
But
Fear emerges
The foundation of the barriers I created
And now back at square one
No love
No lessons learned
I give it another shot
This time it's right
But I lose sight
And loves not alike
No where to turn
Surrounded with fear
Holding hands with pride
In the arms of stubbornness
With no love by my side...

Love Lessons...

As most of you may know I have successfully completed and published my first fiction novel Southern Belles and now I am working on my other baby, The Love Trials.  The Love Trials is a literary work that I have yet to officially classify, but The Love Trials talks about the different lessons in love that I feel that we must experience in order to truly understand the idea of love and being in love so that we can truly identify the mate for our soul (soul mate) and love unselfishly through a healthy love.

As I writing this post came to mind because for many years I thought that I found my soul mate.  Even when I started writing this book, which initiated as a blog post, I just thought I knew which one of my previous relationships identified with each love lesson.  But now that I am in another relationship, after some time, I am starting to realize that I was all wrong.   Because I wish not to make anyone who is reading this post uncomfortable, or since I wish not for individuals to try and decipher who I am speaking about I will speak in broad terms.  But now I realized that my perception of the first love and my heart breaker and test were incorrect.  So far I have determined that I have confused the Heart Breaker and The Test.  My test was yet to be experienced.  My heart breaker brought on heart ache larger than I could ever express through words.  Not much to my surprise either.  I always knew they were a lesson and I don't mind that I was wrong in my initial assessment.  But as I have realized the error in my ways I can move forward in life and anticipate love with new eyes.  

With that being said I, in my work, will continue to express my feelings on love and each lesson, and the impact that my own love lessons had on my life.  I look forward to the soul mate.  One thing that I knew then that still remains true today is that in love, one individual can encompasses each lesson of love, or they can be evenly distributed with a different love for each lesson; but either way, I believe with all sincerity that each love must be encountered before you truly love unselfishly through a healthy love.  That is the ultimate objective.

Change is...

I have learned in my lifetime but so much recently. As a human, an imperfect human, and as an adult I have discovered that change is hard to adapt to. Change is not only hard but it's even worse when your forced to change. Now don't misunderstand, I understand evolution and I appreciate change and growth as well but this post will discuss an individual adapting to change and the struggles associate with the power of change and his/her desire to control that.

I understand now the power of control. We seek control so that we can feel purposeful, valuable and to enhance our self worth. We seek power and control in some aspect of our lives or another's life to feel significant. But is control the type of power you really want?

To have control over self and all your individual situations speaks to power of choice. We always want to choose our own path. We want to direct our own journey. And there is nothing wrong with that growth pattern. But when you began to dictate the life and journey of others, the power of choice is now control. That control will make you out of control and hinders you from your own growth.

I'm just scratching the surface here. I can get a bit long winded but I want you all to think about that!

Life is...

Life is full of the inexplicable, the unknown and the uncertain.  In life we try our hardest to make sense of it all.  The point of living is loving, growing and learning all that there is to learn.  With that I say that my life has taken an unexpected turn and sometimes I want to fight the natural order.  Sometimes I want to be ahead of the plan.  But that is not always how it should be.

He said yesterday
And today
"I love you"
And I couldn't face the words
For they were not spoken from the heart of the man
For which I long
But it was aright
I mean
It was ok
I do accept that life
My life
Will not be the way that I anticipated
It will be greater
I'm open now to the possibility
No longer closed off to reality
I can see now
And my life
As I know it now
Will be different
And so it continues...