The Greatest Lesson in Life

I learn everyday and I make sure to thank God for clarity.  What I have recently be very adamant about is what we allow ourselves to be exposed to and take in.  In case you didn't know your mind controls and/or plays a large role in your functionality; your actions, perceptions, choices, etc.  What you see and what your mind process as tangible becomes real to you.  With that being said, it is important that we monitor what we take in.  We have to be aware of who and what we listen to.

Although I believe in the motivation to lead and guide and pursue the goal of being a preacher, every individual is not meant to be a pastor, teacher, minister or preacher.  Just because a family member wants to pass on the business does not make you entitled.  Preaching is a God given talent and a calling nonetheless.  Just like my ability to write is God given, I was chosen to use my literature as my medium.  I was called to speak and teach and I never understood my prophesy until now.  Although being a pastor in terms of a congregation is not what I had in mind and doesn't really align with my talent, I have found that my work, my life, my journey and my literature are my story.  They are my lessons  and I use them to speak to the masses and encourage and motivate the world.

I know several people in my life who either should not be preaching or ministering or who judge because they feel that they know God more than another, and want to share the stories of God with out life lesson or testimony.  Although God does not judge we tend to encourage people to seek him by judging how they are not like him or don't participate in church.  At the end of the day, we are imperfect and God sent his son Jesus to die for that very reason and that is why we are not to pass any judgement.  Education and encouragement are the motivation of the church.  But I believe that the real lesson, the real encounter with God comes in the moments of solitude when you know yourself and identify that you want and need to be more like him.  When you welcome him in, that is when you make your connection.  That sparks your desire to seek him and establishes your faith to believe in him.  That is when you seek self improvement and a greater understanding of how to conduct yourself in this world.  And even with this you are not perfect but you strive to be better and I believe that is the greatest lesson in life of all.

Wisdom From My Pen

Only individuals that are incapable of understanding the significance of character and perception will stoop low to assassinate someone's character to get  a rise out of them or get the response they seek.  Put yourself in that individuals' shoes...at the end of the day treat people they way you want to be treated.  I don't make exceptions for those individuals because I am not now and will never be on his/her level.  I am a very straight forward person, very transparent, so people can recognize my truth from someone's lack of maturity and ignorance.  Be wise...don't just believe what you hear.  That in itself is ignorance.

Jealousy

So how can you be jealous of someone who has something you already had?   There is absolutely no way you should be mad at someone you have already been with because he or she is not with you or didn't do what you thought they would.  We all make choices in love.  Your choices may have spearheaded their choices so you can't place fault 100% on one individual.  That is when you should ask yourself a few questions...If you are going out of your way to make someone feel jealous or to prove that your situation is better without that individual, how much better is it?  Why would you put energy into making something look better than what it is?  Seems like you are trying to fool yourself.  

I know we have all been there.  I believe we have all been in a place where we have wanted someone and for whatever reasons you could not make out why it didn't work, but instead of closing that chapter of your life properly you chose to trump up your current situation to make that individual jealous.  As many love and life lessons I had to learn to finally get this I understand now that to fool yourself is foolish.  We know the true desires of our hearts so instead of making something seem better actually make it better.  Exhale!  Breathe out the past and welcome the new.  Don't try to move on faster than your heart will allow.  You don't want to deal with that regret.  

I vowed to myself to always put myself first moving forward and not let my emotions cloud my rational thought.  And I will be perfectly honest with you, doing this has not always yield results that I wanted.  And that hurts to know that my decision didn't align with my heart but it does align with what I know I deserve and what I know to be right.  Too many people are nieve.  We are intuitive creators for a reason.  When your intuition speaks to you I encourage you to listen!  Because sometimes our patience is tested to make sure that we learn the lessons in love to be the lover that we long to be.  You won't know that if your just in a rush to be a lover.  Love is far beyond the idea society dreamt up.  We have to be patient and willing to learn and grow before we can appreciate true love.  If that means 50 years old for me that means I will wait patiently.  Because I can't love anything less than wholeheartedly.  And when you love, when you truly love there is no jealousy. 

Confused

Unfortunately now confusion consumes and I can only equate that to the lack of expression.  I have failed at communicating my feelings, in literary form.  Oh how I miss thee.  I need to allow my words to say what my mind won't allow my mouth to utter.  In love and life now momentarily confused.  What to do?  Who to love?  How to love?  Why do I still hold feelings for one I let go?  Couldn't have let go fully and for some reason alone sounds heavenly.  I hate to choose.  Because if I chose I would choose him.  Same choice since day one, but I know better.  Or at least I thought I had.  Who craves a love when you are not number one?   OR am I?  Is he hung up on rejection?  But rejection had a cause...or so I thought.  May be that was a bad choice.  And that's where imperfection takes form.  In love I can't find the answer.  So I write to provoke thought.  What should I do?  I need answers...

Warm Season...

So I have been blessed in so many ways its been unreal!  I thank God so much for all of the wonderful things he is doing in my life!  My heart has been made a new and my passion for greatest and being purposeful in the lives of others is being fulfilled!  One more year, one more book and I'm falling more in love with writing everyday!  Life is great and this is definitely a warm season!  

I Wish...

You know today I wish I could get on a plane and not return until I am ready.  I found that some of the best experiences of my life I made possible.  I feel like I have to continue to make my own opportunities.  What am I waiting for?  Nothing and no one but me.  I am currently thinking of a plan to return to a space of mental, physical and emotional peace.  Stability.  My sanity.  I need you.  Not that I have just lost my mind, but I am better in a place of travel and adventure.  My world can be accessed through my laptop.  That is all I need.  My writing is here, my voice is heard here and my school can be accessed here so I feel like its all I need for now.  Sounds crazy how dependent on technology we are, but if I was perfectly honest with myself for a moment, I wish I was back in London, living my life...

Now thinking of my escape!

So...

To my electronic diary I thank you for allowing me to use you as my outlet.  I am often flustered by the redundancy of life.  If you know anything about me at all you know I live for excitement, spontaneity, freedom, peace and exploration.  I thrive off of "the new".  I need it and today is no exception.  I anticipate the jet life, I love the rush, and I am speaking poetically in this post, but I don't want to structure it.  I don't want the verses I need you to feel it, in the form of casual talk.  I am merely listing my own desires to share, nothing more.  With that being said I thank you for always allowing me to use you.  Furthermore I anticipate the new, got several trips coming up this year.  Ready to get back to the UK as I believe I left a piece of my heart there.  And some parts of my soul long to return there, possibly for life, but we will see how that goes.  Only time will tell but the Lord knows, where my soul will rest, where my heart finds peace and when my fingers will type no more...

Had Enough...

You know life is filled with days when I just want to say that I have had enough! I reached my tolerance for many things, bullshit, lying, lack of faith, inability to face truth, etc. Everyone has their own levels of tolerance and I have been dealing with several things for many years, today I must say that I have has enough! Granted my frustration initiated with lies no matter how small it bothers me so. I don't see the purpose in lying! It only catches up to you. Most often those who embellish truths don't realize that their lives become lies! And there is no escaping! At that point you fear the wrath of the truth! It's a never ending cycle! Just like the cycle of Slavery! We can't escape it because we can not escape the mindset! We enslave ourselves because some of us (and I am referring to those African Americans who use the past as a definition of their current state) are too devoted the idea that it still exists!  We will never progress with that outlook...ever.  Have you had enough yet?

Virtual Diary

So I come to you for understanding, my virtual diary.  Sometimes things make more since once read and or written.  I don't know about you but I walk this life seeking understanding, to gain knowledge and evoke love.  I understood that more recently, I was looking for someone to learn something from.  I found in previous relationships, whether platonic or intimate, that each individual not only had something to gain from my friendship but I found that I grew personally in each relationship.  Some of those growth lessons caused relationships to conclude and others contributed to generous amounts of learning.  For most I appreciate my lessons.  Sometimes though I hate that love didn't always turn out the way I wanted it to or I would have liked.  Despite that fact however, I keep living, loving and learning.  I will never get tired of that!  

Breaking Me Down...

So I once wrote about a love that I longed for, one that I thought would stand the test of time and now I am here writing about another love that is breaking me down. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me view love in a totally different perspective. I appreciate clarity. No matter what form it comes in.

Just because I'm over you
Doesn't mean he's right for me
I fought hard to make sure
If its love
It would never again pass me
And this time was no exception
I must learn a valuable lesson
I must leave my pride
I must stray away from stubbornness
I must increase communication
I have to create you a space
Not a crevice to seep in
When I least expected
I had to open the door
And give you the key
But
Fear emerges
The foundation of the barriers I created
And now back at square one
No love
No lessons learned
I give it another shot
This time it's right
But I lose sight
And loves not alike
No where to turn
Surrounded with fear
Holding hands with pride
In the arms of stubbornness
With no love by my side...